Tuesday, May 21, 2013 77 Degrees, Sunny No Traffic
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Mayor angered by lack of articles on Point Dunes website
Point Dunes Mayor E. Gough has publicly blasted this website and its writers for the lack of coverage she and the rest of the community have received. The mayor's Twitter and Facebook posts have been littered with bitter, personal, and rather humorous attacks aimed at the PointDunes.com staff. Most of the mayor's rants can't be posted here due to its extreme vulgarity, hurtful nature, and true statements. The posts are not only offensive to the writers, but to any creative professional, David Hassellhoff, and the San Diego Chargers. The writer's site "lack of interest in writing", "extreme distain for the Point Dunes townspeople", and the new season of "Bachelorette" for the dry-spell of articles. At a poorly attended press conference, the writers of PointDunes.com issued this public apology: "Sorry."
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Software engineer ends holdout; signs multi-year deal with local company
Future Hall of Fame engineer, Pascal Fortran, has finally agreed to terms with local software giant, Macrohard, ending his three-week holdout. He'll report to the office tomorrow where he will attend his first department meeting of the year. "Fortran could possibly start on his first project next week. We'll have to see if his coding conditioning is where we want it to be. He'll have to put more time in at the break room to get back into the speed and rhythm of the office," said his manager, Mike Rowmanager. Many believe the recent lack of production at Macrohard played a large role in the company offering the contract that ended the holdout. Sources within the company reported deadlines not being met, lunches lasting almost two hours, and YouTube & fantasy football activity hitting all-time highs. Fortran is a four-time office MVP (most valuable programmer). He owns the most prestigious programming record that will probably never be broken; 2,632 error-free lines of written code. The record ended when he voluntarily coded an incorrect syntax because he was tired of the media scrutiny and realized that he hadn't kissed a woman in over two years. He also holds Debugging records for five programming languages and likes Cheetos. Fortran, who recently married a lingerie model, said that this holdout was "All about the Benjamins." He added, "I want to be the highest paid software engineer. I believe my performance speaks for itself and I have to make more than my counterparts; they're all hacks." Terms of the deal were not released but are rumored to be in the five year, $1.5 million range. Pascal Fortran and his luxury condo can be seen in the upcoming episode of "Cribs: Programmers Edition", airing Friday on YBS channel 5.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Local baseball team wins championship; says they didn't
do it for the fans
The Point Dunes Diamonds are world champions and are wasting no time thanking the people that have stuck by them throughout the season - themselves and their teammates. "We did it!" exclaimed star slugger, Artie Fishel. "No one thought we could do it, especially our fans. Those pricks," added Fishel. The Diamonds, who ousted the Texas Strangers in five games, had an up and down season but turned it on when it counted - on the road. "We desperately didn't want to come back home for game six and play in front our whiny, bitchy fans. We knew we had to end it in five. We wanted their celebration to be as lame as possible - at bars, closed circuit, or at their small houses," said Fishel. The world champs clinched all three post-season series on the road and had the league's best road record during the regular season. "We have no respect for our fans. Why would we enjoy playing in front of middle-class morons that boo us?" Said another Diamonds player. Artie Fishel interrupted, "It was so gratifying winning this one. This one is for me, no one else, just me. To be honest, I want to win because of the money and beautiful babes that will follow. And I pretty much speak for the whole team on that one. No one cares about the fans. I just hate them so much! My hatred for them actually makes me play harder. We love ignoring them. Where else in the world can you ignore 50,000 people that are cheering and chanting your name? It's a real high," vented the slugger minutes after winning the title. The team is planning their championship parade around rush hour on Friday so the fans will have a "hell of a time getting home," says a player. At the parade, they also plan on talking about their high salaries and what exotic islands they will be traveling to during their three-month offseason.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
College professor gets "F" on teacher evaluation; will doctor it into a "B" before showing his parents
Point Dunes University professor, Ed Jucator, has some work to do and it won't be with a white board and a marker. It will be with a magnifying glass and a ballpoint pen. The prestigious 58 year-old Distinguished Professor at PDU just received an "F" on his mid-semester teacher evaluation and is none too happy. "It's not my problem these students are morons. This is ridiculous! My parents are going to kill me," said Ed. Some say that Ed's late-night partying has played a role in his sub-par teaching ability and others say that he's just a bad teacher. Stu Dent, a student in Ed Jucator's History class was reached for comment and requested anonymity. "His tests are horribly impossible. One question asked for Napoleon's favorite sexual position; what?! Another question asked which President was better, Bush or Obama, with no 'neither' option! How do you pass those tests?" said a bitter Stu. Professor Jucator vowed to find the main culprits behind the negative review and exact his revenge. "I'm currently matching the handwriting on the teacher evaluation with other class assignments. I will find the students that are responsible. But first, I need to make this 'F' look like a 'B'. My parents give me $25 for every 'B' and I want a new XBox!"
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Local athlete offended by own lyrics on new rap album
Point Dunes athlete & entertainment superstar, O. Verated, is having a sub-par football season. So in response to the lack of media attention, he has quit on his teammates and has switched to his new passion…music. Rap music to be exact, and writing the most offensive lyrics this country has ever seen. So much so that he publicly admitted that he is shocked by his own vulgarity and hatred that he spews on his upcoming album. In one incredibly offensive verse, O. Verated raps, "*u** ** **** f******* *** ** *o*** ***s* ** ***t* ** *** *** ** ****** s********** u*********q************." In one word, extremely shocking. To his own admission, O.Verated is shocked as well. "I just listened to my album for the first time and am a little taken back. While I would not hesitate to buy my album on November 29, I don't think I'd listen to it. I'm shocked and horrified by the language, themes, and overall messages that I'm offering to the public. I also butcher the english language quite a bit too. Maybe by the time November 29 roles around I'll change my mind. At least I have 'till November 29 to think about it. November 29 is still some time away….available at Target." While the consensus around Point Dunes is that the album is total and complete garbage, sales are expected to be good. As fellow Point Dunes performer, Sue Perstar, says, "We're told that this music is good so it must be, right? I know when I'm in the club and an O. Verated song comes on, I'll be on the dance floor!" This stance by Sue Perstar is somewhat shocking considering that she is mentioned in an extremely derogatory verse on Verated's first single entitled "f*** a s*** and *** I** i* *****." In the verse, he claims that she "****** and ****** and ******** and ************." Wow, lets hope Sue sees a doctor for that. The album will be released November 29 and should go platinum largely from support in Point Dunes. Once again, this community is everything that is wonderfully wrong in america.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Local activist becomes a Level Five Vegan; consumes only ice plant roots and water from geothermal hot springs
Local activist, environmentalist, and hackie sack superstar, Tre Hugger, has announced a change in his personal dietary & lifestyle righteousness. The self-proclaimed “super vegan” has graduated to the fifth level of veganism. The few dedicated vegans that subscribe to this lifestyle only consume the roots of ice plants and geothermal hot spring water. Tre was asked why he made the jump to such a restrictive diet. “Ego, bragging, and oh yeah, all that stuff about the animals.” As a Level Five Vegan, Tre cannot use or consume anything that has been seen by an animal. “In the event that an animal views a hot spring, the 98-100 °F water actually sanitizes itself through its high temperature,” explained Tre. Level Five Vegans also become hyper-sensitive to potential violations. “A friend tried to play a trick on me and heated up some tap water between 98 and 100 °F. My body rejected it. I was sick to my stomach for minutes,” said Hugger. His level of self-righteousness has also reached new heights. “Vegetarians are a disgrace. Standard vegans are barely better than vegetarians. Climb to my level of dedication and then we’ll talk,” said a presumptuous Tre. He also added that one day he hopes to reach the pinnacle of the vegan hierarchy and become a Level Seven Vegan, only consuming olive oil vapors and highly humid air.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Local woman 'poked' by Facebook friend; sues for sexual harassment
Notable Point Dunes floozy, Mary Formoney, has just filed papers alleging that Facebook "friend" A. Richard Head sexually harassed her with an online "poke". The incident occurred just five days after she accepted his friend request. The court papers explain that within the days leading up to the "poke", Head gave her a lonely cow & a swan for her farm. "I already have those. What, does he think I'm a level two farmer? I'd like to be given the 'Villa' or the 'Unwither Ring'," said Mary. Head was astonished by the lawsuit. "She 'liked' three consecutive posts of mine. She was basically asking to be 'poked'. I almost felt like I had to so she wouldn't feel bad." Shortly following the incident, Head was removed as her "friend" but strangely enough, was tagged in a birthday party photo of hers. "She's obviously just out for money. She didn't immediately report the "poke" and the timing of her status "likes" are suspicious," said Head's attorney, Mo Neybags, whom is also representing Formoney. "However, A. Richard Head acted inappropriately with the unwanted 'poke' and has been harassing her with useless online farming items. This should mean a lot of money for me!"
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Popular computer company releases new smart phone; critics scramble to exaggerate a fictitious weakness
Local computer company, Kumquat, has just released the new iQuat. This technological marvel is an entertainment portal, multi-communication device, GPS, 25MP digital camera, 12-color printer, bomb diffuser, underwater breathing apparatus, and if held high enough, a broadcasting satellite offering over 1,000 channels including NFL football and the latest in adult entertainment. Using it twice a day also provides you with 100% of your essential daily vitamins. But that doesn't satisfy everyone. Almost as fast as the loyal Kumquat fan base rushed into line for the phone, critics & rivals started their search to find something they could exploit and blow out of proportion. Owner of rival computer company, Macrohard, Gene Yuss was the first to say something ridiculous. "There had to be something wrong with it. Nothing can be as awesome as their previous phone. It took a while but I found something. If you wedge the phone deep into the toe of your shoe and then put your shoe on, it makes it more difficult to access your contacts. The reception also drops off a bit," said Gene. While this is pretty much an existing problem with all phones under the same nonsensical situation, the critics ran with it and are now pushing for a re-call. The popular reviews website, "Consumer Retorts", bashed the iQuat in a recent writeup and gave it a 9.75 out of 10. Macrohard's Gene Yuss is happy with his role in this negative press wave. "Since all we do is copy kumquat's innovations and incorporate a bastardized version into our crappy products, I feel that our best business strategy is to bad-mouth them. You know, any publicity is good publicity. Wait a minute...".
Friday, August 20, 2010
Scientist discovers link between watching soccer and irritable bowel
Brilliant Point Dunes researcher, Cy Entist, has just concluded an in-depth study proving what Americans have been saying for years; watching soccer absolutely sucks. "Not only is it boring as hell, it can cause health issues," said Entist. The study was conducted over a grueling two-week period where participants endured numerous TV broadcasts of professional & international level soccer matches. "We really could have ended the study after one match. That was all of the data we needed. The 0-0 extra time match upset numerous stomachs, sent plenty to the restroom, and caused intense anger due to dangerous levels of boredom," added Entist. The participants in the study were experiencing boredom so great that it manifested into different physical ailments. "The viewers would start to experience irritable bowl symptoms around the ten minute mark with the symptoms exponentially increasing each 10-15 minute interval thereafter. If the TV channel was changed to more interesting programming such as a sitcom, action movie, or C-SPAN, the symptoms immediately subsided," said Entist. This is the first time that watching a sport has been scientifically proven to be aggressively boring since the 2003 WNBA Finals. The data suggested that the participants grew so bored with the lack of action and scoring that they began to assess their lives and realized that they had wasted 90 minutes (plus extra time) that they would never get back. The rage grew with every sloppy, neutral-field played minute that passed. That rage then led to upset stomach, nausea, and ultimately irritable bowel. This study has Cy Entist on a mission to educate society. "Hopefully these results will inform the public to become smarter viewers and to choose more sensible action sports like football, hockey, and basketball. Be careful with baseball though; we're studying it now and I'm not liking what I'm seeing."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Local man breaks mirror; lawyer to try to reduce bad luck to 3-5 years
Point dunes lawyer, Mo Neybags, will see Thursday if his slick defense tactics can reduce his client's bad luck by 2-4 years. Local jerk, A. Richard Head, is facing seven years bad luck for his role in a recent incident at a local Bed Bath & Beyond. In the "wall decor" section, Head shoved a nice man who was carrying a heavy box for an elderly woman into a table that led to the destruction of the mirror. Mo Neybags is pushing for the reduced sentence since Head didn't actually touch the mirror. However, he's facing stiff competition from the prosecution. "He's lucky we're only going for a max of seven years. I was hoping for a bad luck sentence of seven years to life for him. This is his second offense," said prosecutor D.A. Tourney. Superstitions everywhere are eagerly awaiting the decision as the outcome could affect the future severity of jinxes, rituals, and old wives tales.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
"Redonkulous" named official town word
After weeks of heated town hall meetings, impressive arguments, and uncontrollable flatulence, Point Dunes has agreed on it's official town word. In a shockingly close vote, "Redonkulous" emerged victorious. Redonkulous can sometimes be defined as "extremely ridiculous", kind of like this nonsensical town. The townspeople responded with a resounding cheer as some leaped in the air as they heard the good news, while others embarrassingly fainted and fell to the floor. Redonkulous narrowly edged out "w00t", "dunzo", and "Ed Hardy" in an unprecedented voter turnout. The mayor's recommendations, "Hope", "Love", "Tolerance", and "Prosperity", received a combined 0 votes. "I'm extremely embarrassed, excited, and intoxicated. I can't believe our moron townspeople elected that stupid word but I'm happy because I use it all of the time," said Mayor E. Gough. The town charter calls for Point Dunes residents to use the official word at least three times a day to another person. "At least we'll all sound cool and be revered by everyone that overhears us say, redonkulous. I'm looking forward to using an already overused, asinine, & absurd word. I can't wait," the mayor said exuberantly.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Local department manager sues weekend
Mike Rowmanager, a midlevel manager at local company, Macrohard, has filed suit against the weekend days of Saturday and Sunday. He sites the increase of his employee's free-time and personal lives as the reason for the suit. "My minions are spending too much time not completely immersed in work. They leave a little early on friday and then I don't see them until monday morning. I have no idea where they've been or what they've done. It drives my crazy!", he exclaimed. Mike has been known to follow his employee's every move, literally, as he stays at a 3 ft. distance throughout the day. Previously, he scheduled a world record ten department meetings in one day. He's even replaced the fabric cubicle walls with Plexiglass so he can maintain a visual over the group with one glance. "They cant handle responsibility don't need privacy. They are programmers, designers, account executives, and project managers. If they wanted to be treated like responsible adults then they would have become mid-level managers," he said. Mike feels the weekend is a luxury his employees don't deserve. "They get the evenings. Aren't they content with those three sweet hours of personal time each day? What else do they want? Next, they'll want me to not wait outside their bathroom stalls with a stopwatch and bullhorn," added Mr. Rowmanager. The interview with Mike was awkward, however, as he was uncomfortable with this non work environment human interaction. He also mumbled a lot and filled the awkward silences with the word "vuvuzela". Even though he lacks social skills, his hatred for the weekend has him yapping at anyone who will listen. "I will destroy the weekend. It will be nothing more than the middle of the work-week when my lawyer is through with it. Vuvuzela," said the angry manager. Mike's referring to famed local lawyer, Mo Neybags. So, this should at least be interesting.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
70’s rock star “bummed” about local drug quality
Point Dunes resident and former rock icon, Dee Ruggedout, has teamed up with local activist, Tre Hugger, to protest the poor quality of the local drug supply. “We’re very disappointed with the state of the recreational drugs in our community. The weed is listless; the heroine is crap; the acid only produces mild hallucinations that are barely convincing; and the cocaine, don’t get me started on the cocaine!”, said the old rocker. Ruggedout and Hugger are searching for investors to help with the protest. Local business tycoons, Bill Yenair, N. Gineer, Gene Yuss, and Dr. Y. Roast are being targeted. For the protest, Ruggedout and Hugger plan on pitching numerous tents at Settlement Park where they will give out samples of the “poor quality” Point Dunes drugs and have the public compare them to samples of high quality drugs from other areas. The protest will also feature over fifteen bands that will provide entertainment in the form of groovy music. “We have some sweet bands on tap for the festival…I mean protest. We just need some more funding,” added Tre Hugger. “The four-day protest-extravaganza of drugs, music, sleeping, pushing & arguing, and maybe sex, is scheduled for June 17-20. We hope you can all make it out there. This is a serious issue threatening our community,” said Dee. “Yeah, how are our young music groups supposed to find their way with terrible drugs? Do you know how crappy the music would be? How about the artists, athletes, and accountants that count on drugs for their creativity and good times? They need the good stuff!”, added Tre. The Tickets for the protest will tentatively go on sale next Monday with prices ranging from $100 to $250 depending on the drug plan selected.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Middle-class raffle winner allowed to become Point Dunes second-rate citizen; mayor worried
The community’s monthly raffle has a winner. Common, undistinguished, & ordinary, Joe A. Verage was the lucky man who now gets to live among his betters. Joe has been described as smart, cool, funny, down-to-earth, trust-worthy, and hard working; pretty much like you. You might say that Joe A. Verage is a “character” that you can identify with, root for, and care about. He’s a marketing & advertising executive and will work for Macrohard in Point Dunes as soon as his bags are unpacked inside his expensive & tiny new condo. The Point Dunes monthly raffle awards one extremely lucky middle-class individual, that paid $10k per ticket, the opportunity to upgrade their life and live around people that actually matter. Joe was elated at the time of the raffle announcement. “This is a dream come true. I’ve always wanted to be an extremely meager, diminutive, and inadequate fish in a large & awesome pond.” That’s exactly what Joe will get. He’ll be frowned upon, scoffed at, not taken seriously, and downright ignored by his upper-class neighbors. Middle-class friends of Joe say he is caught-up in the excitement of the situation and will grow tired of occupying the doormat role in the community. “Joe is smart and will ultimately fight back if treated poorly. He’ll stand-up for himself. You watch,” said the un-named & un-important friend. Point Dunes Mayor, E. Gough, has caught wind of Joe’s confident & rebellious personality and is not too happy. “He was given the chance of a lifetime to live amongst, admire, and revere us. He better not make me regret the raffle idea.” Even though Joe won the raffle, the mayor will not recognize him as an official resident until she “deems” him worthy. His name and picture will also not appear in the resident/characters section of this Point Dunes community website until the mayor allows it. (That has nothing to do with the laziness of the web developers. How dare you!) Mr. Verage will live in the “Tiny Hole Cottages” condo development on “High-Density, Affordable Street” in the old southeast part of the community, nestled between the Point Dunes Airport and sewage outlet. Let’s see how this all unfolds, shall we?
Monday, July 12
Local jerk awaits trial for avocado urination; claims he can do what he wants
Point Dunes sports agent, A. Richard Face went on trial yesterday for a March incident in which he urinated on his neighbors avocado tree. In Point Dunes, the avocado is a protected fruit and its destruction is a felony due to the following; the nourishing and skin livening effects of avocado facial masks; the popularity of the Avocado Club Sandwich; and because it tastes so freaking good. “Nice, ripe, avocados are hard enough to find without malcontents like him degrading and insulting the few good ones we have. They’re a very sensitive & trusting fruit,” says resident, Mary Formoney, who seemed intoxicated at the time of her statement. A. Richard Face, or Dick (as known by his friends), claims he didn’t think what he was doing was wrong. “Last year I was told I couldn’t urinate on my neighbor, now I can’t urinate on his tree? Now you’re probably going to tell me that I can’t spit directly in the faces of my employees, or, if I drink a 5th of vodka I can’t drive myself to pick up a prostitute! This is a America, where’s the freedom and the fun?”, Face adds. If convicted, Face could spend three years in Point Dunes Prison, which doubles as a 5-star resort & spa along the beautiful eastern coastline. As Face walked into the courtroom, an angry, distraught, and noticeably more rough skinned actress, Sue Perstar, had to be restrained while trying to confront him. “Look at me! I look like I belong in Beverly Hills or some other ghetto! This is Point Dunes! My skin should be immaculate!”, screamed Sue Perstar. Face’s lawyer, Mo Neybags, was not worried about his client's situation. “I’m sleeping with the judge,” stated Neybags. It is believed that Judge Ann Gree will announce a verdict at the opening ceremonies of the Point Dunes Volleyball Championships in June and then breakout into a dance number with A. Richard Face and the rest of the community, because that’s how it happens in this wild & wacky world of Point Dunes!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Local baseball player delivers message to kids; "Steroids are your only hope."
When Artie Fishel announced a few days ago that he would be holding a press conference, speculation and potted plants began to grow. Would the press conference be a platform to announce a new contract, a new endorsement, or a new workout regimen? Nope, not even close. Well, actually the last one is in the same vicinity. Anyway, it was a two and a half hour public service announcement describing the benefits of kids starting steroid use at an early age. This was followed by a thirty-minute demonstration on proper injection techniques where he used child volunteers from the crowd for the demo. “Think about how great this was for these children. They came here today expecting an autograph from their hero and instead they got injected with 400mg of Equipoise and Ganabol. As an added bonus, I autographed the syringes for them,” he said. Artie Fishel, who has started a youth steroid camp, has said that everything he has accomplished is due to his steroid use and lemonade. “Think about it, nothing bad can come from doing steroids. If you get caught, you write a book and rat out your peers, then you get paid even more. Sure, people say that you will be hated by your peers, but who cares? I’ve been hated my whole career. I’m a complete and utter ass! The great ones usually are!” The minor league home-run king ended his talk with some uplifting words for the children. "You're all average. Nothing is special about you. If you want to stand out and be a success in life, steroids are your only hope. Your parents won't love you if you don't." While this has created turmoil outside of Point Dunes, the oblivious community seems to be rallying around their superstar. Fellow local athlete, O. Verated, added his two cents. “This community is full of people who are completely fake, stupid, and awesome. If our children take steroids at a young age, they’ll be that much ahead of the moron kids who don’t start using until high school. This will put them on the path to money, fame, and all the Bed, Bath, & Beyond kitchen utensils they want. At the end of the day, that's all we care about. By any means necessary on any given Sunday." Artie Fishel also announced that he would be holding another press conference next month discussing "roid rage" & violence and how cool they are. "There's nothing cooler than getting arrested for aggravated assault with the attempt to F someone up," he added.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Manager conducts ten department meetings in one day; employees pissed off & exhausted
Mike Rowmanager, of local software company Macrohard, has made history. Last Monday, the mid-level manager held ten department meetings in one business day. This shatters the previous record of eight, set in 1983 by manager Tom Aszmunch. Aszmunch, who was severely beaten shortly after his record workday was over, held the record for 27 years and thought it would never be broken. “What kind of f---ing moron would try that after what happened to me?” Said Aszmunch. Rowmanager was in great spirits and after his accomplishment. “I’m very excited about my record. It’s every manager’s dream to schedule several department meetings for one day,” said a beaming Rowmanager. It seems some strategy was involved in the record endeavor as well. “See, Aszmunch went wrong by stopping at eight meetings. That left the employees with some energy and cognitive skills which they used to conduct the savage beating. Ten is the magic number of meetings; they’re down but not out. They could barely function; it was great,” explained Rowmanager. His employees have yet to recover. Don Load, the department’s IT specialist made it through the ordeal. “It was terrible. Heads were dipping by the second meeting. By the final meeting, bodies were everywhere. Some in fetal positions, others convulsing. Very few were still taking notes. Hallucinations kicked in around the ninth meeting. Some of my colleagues though they were beautiful butterflies, and some, hideous flies. Two of them are still caught behind the mini-blinds in the conference room.” After all of the action items; safety & security refreshers; department events; birthday parties; guest speakers; and people who love their own voices; it was time for the cleanup. The janitorial crew was not amused. “I’ve never seen anything like it! The bathrooms were only two doors down!”, said one of the sanitation specialists. After it was all said and done, one man reigned supreme. One man accomplished the feat nobody thought was possible. One man is the greatest of all time. That man is Mike Rowmanager. “I’m just really excited to be me. Think about it. Dragging your employees through ten department meetings, ten! Today, I am the best manager on earth, maybe even the world.”
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Coffee shop raises prices; 12 injured; town in panic
Local coffee giant, Joltmeisters, has shaken Point Dunes and its townspeople to the core by announcing today that they are raising their prices. Founder & CEO, Dr. Y. Roast, held a press conference to deliver the devastating news. “This is a great day for me and all of my investors. We expect to see huge profits.” Said Roast. The smallest “Piccolo” cup size will jump from $9.25 to $12. The “Medio” will run $17.50, “Enorme” $25, and the largest “Ridicolo” cup size will increase from $30 to $33. Widespread panic and chaos ensued once the new prices were released. “I heard rumors of this but never thought it would actually happen!”, said local actor, Art Throb, running and screaming like a girl. Local activist, Tre Hugger, was already painting protest signs when reached for comment. “This is terrible! I myself don’t drink coffee, however. The Joltmeisters coffee bean labor conditions are horrible, the beans aren’t organic, and caffeine doesn’t jive with me like other drugs. But this is still ridiculous.” The community was in disarray following the press conference with people shoving, spitting, arguing loudly, and sleeping. It is not known exactly how many people have been injured although the number 12 has been thrown around a bit. “I am so angry. You have no idea how much this has ruined my day,” said Dunes resident Sue Perstar while in line for her afternoon Joltmeisters coffee. Dr. Y Roast was unfazed by the reaction. “They’ll get over it. They’re all addicted. They can’t stay away. These are the same people that spend $800 on their hair, $350 for a round of golf, $5,000 for a hooker, and $5 for bottled water. Come on!” Joltmeisters has 70 locations throughout Point Dunes and offers caffeinated fruit, sandwiches, and pastries to go along with their wiring beverages.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Mayor passes illegal middle-class immigration law
In an amazingly popular decision among Point Dunes Citizens, Point Dunes Mayor E. Gough signed the "Support our image and prevent middle class citizens from destroying our neighborhoods" act, bringing it into law. “This law will prevent the lowest of low, the scum of the earth, otherwise known as the middle class, from entering our beautiful city,” says Mayor E. Gough. With the passing of this law, the Point Dunes law enforcement will be able to stop anyone who looks “middle class” and question them to verify their Point Dunes residency. Police Chief Don Uts added, “We will stop and question any citizen displaying any type of common courtesy, wearing non-designer clothing, allowing a fellow driver to change lanes, driving an American car, or a car over a year old for that matter. These are sure-tell signs of the middle class.” Point Dunes is known for having a monthly raffle allowing one middle class citizen to move into their elite city. “I wasn’t on board with the raffle from the beginning, but I figured that a few bums would help diversify our community, besides, who else would we look down at?”, says Dunes resident Mary Formoney. Mary also added, “Yesterday, I saw a family listening to their 3rd generation iPods! 3rd generation! I mean c’mon, you can’t tell me they’re all raffle winners! They had to have entered our amazing community through other means." When asked if she felt the law would stick, Mayor E. Gough answered, “Of course it will. Point Dunes citizens take pride in wealth, and the preclusion of middle class citizens. We don’t enjoy the company of the average, hard-working person. They have nothing to add to our ultra-important lives. We enjoy plastic surgery, embezzlement, foreign cars, bikini waxes, Ed Hardy clothing, and infidelity. Which reminds me, I’m late for my One O’ Clock…..wax that is.”
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Doctor warns, Weebles that wobble may fall down
Second-rate Point Dunes physician, Dr. Seth A. Scope, has published the findings of a two-year study that monopolized most of his free-time and love life. The rambling and mostly incoherent report, highlights the dangers that Weebles face once they begin the act of wobbling. “Sedentary Weebles face a 10% chance of falling down compared to their wobbling counterparts that face a more certain 50% chance,” explained Dr. Scope. The ridiculous study used thousands of Weebles of all sizes and ages, which played a large role in the doctor being ridiculed and abandoned by his friends and mocked by his girlfriend. “I had to sacrifice a lot for this study. However, I feel that Weeble injuries are becoming an epidemic and we should not ignore the severity of this issue. I’d make the same decisions again. Although, I am a lonely, lonely, man,” he said. Dr. Scope believes in his study and is hoping to stop the madness (and the wobbling). The report reveals that the doctor worked in a controlled environment with the Weebles and scientifically induced their wobbling. It is not known what is causing all of the Weebles to wobble out in society, however, children ages 2-6 are being questioned.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Visionary computer company unveils new revolutionary tablet, the “iInfection”
Creative genius and Kumquat CEO, N. Gineer, has released information regarding his latest must-have tech-toy. With netbooks and tablets all the rage these days, Gineer decided Kumquat should get in the mix. So, with Gineer’s vision & brilliance, the trendy, industry-leading computer company has designed the amazing multi-use touch-tablet, the iInfection. “This unparalleled device will be so popular, it will spread like a virus and everyone will be infected!” Said Gineer at the unveiling. The iInfection, its 128 GB HD, and Kevlar body promises to handle most of your daily hand-held media device needs. “You’ll be able to browse the web at blazing 4G speeds, manage your email at a moments notice, enjoy thousands of legally & illegally obtained movies & music, and slice effortlessly through cured meats.” Boasted Gineer. Among its main features, the iInfection comes equipped with a 9” forged stainless steel serrated blade that can cut through a truck tire. The blade never needs sharpening and can come in handy when preparing for a dinner party, while at a restaurant, or in a dense South American jungle. “We’ve thought of everything for this product. We’ve even added features that don’t even exist yet!” Exclaimed the eccentric CEO. The iInfection offers countless practical uses along with its high-tech features. If you purchase two iInfections and the shoulder-strap accessory, this sophisticated wireless multimedia device can easily be turned into a bullet-proof vest due to it’s impenetrable Kevlar body. “We figured the iInfection would be so sought-after that violence would ensue at some point. So, we made the casing able to withstand a 900 MPH bullet, you know, basic stuff.” Explained Gineer. The iInfection is powered by the new SuperSmartLogic™ processor which will allow it to run sophisticated applications such as the “Raise my Kids” app, “Balance my Checkbook” app, “Text While Driving” app, “Parallel Parking” app, and “Destroy my Enemies” app. “For all of you absentee parents, the Raise my Kids app is great. The iInfection will cuddle up with your kids, read them a book before bed, and tell them how important they are. It will basically do everything for you except discipline your kids. That will be in the Spank app due out this summer.” Said Gineer. All of this packaged in a sleek, minimalistic-designed box will cost you $899. N. Gineer ended his presentation with the new tagline, “Go get an iInfection. You’ll love it!”
Friday, May 28, 2010
Activist to protest the dwindling amount of potato chips in a bag
Local activist, Tre Hugger is disturbed with a growing trend in the salty-snack industry – lack of chips per bag. Known for bingeing on snacks from time to time, Tre is outraged that his munchie-quenching potato chips aren't the amounts they used to be. "Back in college, it would take me a 11 minutes and 24 seconds to polish off a bag. Now the chips are lucky to last 3 to 4 minutes, and these are the big bags!" He said, while protesting outside the Trito-Ley corporate offices. Mr. Hugger was noticeably irritated and gassy." You're lucky if the bag's a third full, and the prices haven't dropped, WTF? These right-wing corporate fat-cats making these decisions are really testing my patience. We're all going to be out here chanting, marching, and quietly reading all night – which means I'm going to miss Survivor tonight! That Russell, he really gets under my skin!" Rambled Tre. The medium-sized, humor T-shirt-wearing, group of protesters do have another plan up their hemp sleeves. "We're going to buy hundreds of Trito-Ley bags of chips to inspect their quantity and compile that data for a report that we'll probably never get around to finishing. We'll show 'em!" Said Tre, explaining his "brilliant" plan. Trito-Ley owner and CEO, Bill Yenar, was reached for comment. "Perfect." He said with a smile.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Football star aims to clean-up act and only commit obstruction of justice crimes
With football season around the corner, Point Dunes resident & star running back, O. Verated is hoping to clean-up his image. Having as many arrests as touchdowns (8) last year, Verated is motivated to turn the corner. "I'm going to try to change this year." He said happily, during a morning jog. "I got mixed-up in a lot of serious crimes last year. I'm going to stick to smaller offenses like obstruction of justice and things of that nature." Verated's two most serious arrests were for (1) possession of four unlicensed & loaded hand-guns while boarding an airplane intoxicated and (2) armed drunk and disorderly conduct while fleeing the scene of a hit-and-run of an escort. Thanks to his powerful attorney, Mo Neybags, he served a total of 12 days in jail for both offenses. Verated's other arrests were for aggravated public urination while intoxicated (three times), assault & battery of a snotty waiter at a really nice restaurant, aggravated vehicular assault at a Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot, and not gaining a first down on a 4th & short. He says he's no longer the same person that he was a year ago and that switching from major crimes to less serious ones will not be that difficult. "There's nothing in my probation that prohibits that." Explained Verated. He should know. Mr. Verated studied Criminal Justice in college and has been caught up in it ever since.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Baseball All-Star to help local youth; opens steroid camp
Artie Fishel, the local slugger for the Point Dunes Diamonds, wants to to help community youth athletes the only way he can – through steroid & human growth hormone camps. The large, lactose intolerant, first basemen announced his 2010 Spring/Summer Camp schedule at a morning press conference. "The camp will focus on teaching young athletes the importance of illegal, performance enhancing substances and how to use them." Said a sweaty Artie Fishel at the press event. The camp is expected to start mid-May. "We're all really excited to have these kids in this program. It is my goal to have them 'roided-up and to put on 20-30 lbs of ripped muscle before their Little League & Pop Warner seasons start. We're also going to instill in them two important messages; First, everyone cheats; Second, If you 'roid correctly and then lie about it, everyone will love you. You'll be a hero." Said Fishel. The Minor League home run king is expecting the camp to produce a huge payoff. "To all the parents out there, we'll have your little retirement plans on their path to earning big salaries in just two substance cycles!" Fishel finished the press conference by filling the parents in attendance with hope and dreams of the future. "We'll get those little S.O.B.s ready to knock the livin' crap out of those 12-year old QBs and to hit 500 ft. blasts from those 60 MPH Little League fastballs. It's so great to see the 'roid-rage in their cute little eyes."
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Local Doctor fed up with apples, says they are keeping
his patients away
Apples are good for you. In fact, one a day keeps the doctor away, right? That's precisely why Dr. Colin Auskipy has sent a memo to all of his patients advising them to halt their apple consumption. Reports are that he secretly believes that the nutrients from apples will make his patients feel so good, that they will act like morons and won't make appointments which will lead to certain ailments not being identified. Others believe that Dr. Auskipy is a duche-bag that misses the business and has bills to pay. "Apples aren't good for you. Some are red, some are green, make up your mind. And how about the supposedly healthy organic ones? Have you seen those? They look like crap and were probably covered in it." Says Dr. Auskipy. "Don't eat them. Opt for the sensible candy bar, bag of chips, or maple-glazed donut." He adds. There is also speculation that the doctor has conducted research that proves broccoli is a poison weed that causes male-pattern baldness and financial problems. His patients should expect a memo.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Local lawyer sues his blind date for misrepresentation
Hot-shot Point Dunes attorney, Mo Neybags, is angry after an awkward date last Saturday night. His anger has manifested into a lawsuit in which he claims his blind date misrepresented herself. "Everything about her was contrary to what I was told, especially her looks. She said she looked like a cross between Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie; more like a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a dump truck." Explained Mo at his morning press conference. He did not field questions or use the restroom during his ten-minute rant. "This is literally a crime, a crime against my time. She also said that she had a great personality and child-bearing hips –both completely false. Although, the personality feature isn't my biggest concern." He added. The lawsuit charges Mo's date with "gross misrepresentation" & "being gross" and also orders her to reimburse the meal she ordered. "She had the audacity to order the filet mignon and caviar!" Mo isn't going to go easy on his prosecution. "She needs to know that she can't date someone of my stature, intelligence, & credit score. I hope she gets put away for a long time." Said Mr. Neybags. He's also contemplating filing suit against his long-time friend who set up the date.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Local realtor capitalizes on poor housing market with dollhouse foreclosures
Point Dunes realtor, Selma Haus isn't just helping people get into property, she's helping them get out of it too. Selma is currently guiding 7 year old Gwen Thompson through the foreclosure of her dollhouse. Gwen has owned her 488 sq/in. Malibu Barbie Dream House for less than a year. “It’s terrible.” Said Gwen. “I love this house. I just furnished the place for my birthday and had plans for a pool decal in the backyard.” Little Gwen has already put her Barbie Convertible up for sale with next-door neighbor, Jenny, really interested. “Money is going to be tight. Looks like I have to find a Barbie Dream Duplex-Rental or a Barbie Dream Studio Apartment.” Said Gwen. Selma showed the Dream House to Gwen last year under the impression that she could handle it. "I asked her if this was something she could swing. These places aren't cheap. I'm extremely disappointed in her. She should have calculated her debt to income ratio and been aware of the liquidity of her funds." Said Selma. To make things worse, her house was located in a very desirable area. It’s just feet from the HotWheel loop and has great views of the Disney Princess Castle. However, some neighbors have been complaining about excessive noise in the area since a few rowdy G.I. Joes moved-in nearby. We reached Gwen's 9-year old brother but he had no comment about the allegations. Gwen feels she has learned a valuable lesson. "I definitely got in over my head. I was greedy. The kids just looked so happy in the commercials and the Toys R Us employees made it so easy make the purchase. I'll be smarter the next time around."
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
New computer operating system boasts brighter, more prolific, crashes
The world's software leader, Macrohard, will release their new operating system, "Doors 10", this May. Owner & President, Gene Yuss, has announced many of the new features with the highlight being the new "Crash Engine™". "With more system crashes anticipated in this new OS, we developed the Crash Engine™ which will revolutionize what we have perfected – and what we are primarily known for – system crippling crashes." Said Gene. The "Crash Engine™" will turn the frequent crashes into brilliant spectacles of light & color. "All of our users are familiar with the blue screen of death. We took that concept and turned it into a wonderful experience rather than an infuriating episode. Our exciting system crashes will now be longer and more colorful than our previous ones with numerous direction windows that guide users through the process." Added Gene. The directions are expected to be more convoluted and confusing than in Macrohard's previous OS, "Doors Viscous". "We're hoping our users will now be looking forward to the crashes and will sit-back and enjoy. See what I did? I turned a frequent, inevitable, negative experience into a feature! Pretty much like all of my software! Now go like cattle and pre-order Doors 10 and make me even wealthier!" Said Gene. The basic version of "Doors 10" ships in May for $299. The premium version with the "Limited Tech Support" feature ships in June for $899. Enjoy.
Monday, April 26, 2010
TV studio owner thinks shows are not violent enough; develops more violent program
YBS (Yenair Broadcasting System) owner and Point Dunes businessman, Bill Yenair, feels his hit CSI (Crime Spot Investigation) franchise is starting to lack something: gruesome violence. In an effort to fill the perceived void, Bill Yenair has announced a new show in development, CSI: Cold Criminal Extreme. "There just isn't enough violence in everyday life. People need to be exposed to it more, especially at 8, 7 Central, Monday through Friday." Says Yenair. With other violent & disturbing shows on YBS primetime such as CSI, CSI: NY, CSI: Miami, Kold Kase, Criminal Minds Think Alike, Without a Trace of Anything, and Two and a Half Men, broadcasting executives feel more carnage is needed. Yenair promises 8-10 gruesome murders in a one hour episode with up to five slayings in the first ten minutes. "Not only are we providing the viewing public with horrendous visuals and themes, we're hoping to give that psycho out there the ideas and motivation that their twisted mind craves." CSI: Cold Criminal Extreme is being hailed as the leader in the new "super-death drama" genre that is sweeping the nation. Yenair has high hopes for the show's ratings. "We're expecting 50 million viewers a night to tune into the spectacular stabbings, shootings, torture, and all around gruesome violence that this country desperately needs." CSI: Cold Criminal Extreme is set to premiere nightly in May. Yenair also discussed a daytime cartoon with the same title and theme that is in the works. "The after-school kid viewership segment is an untapped market for this genre. We're all excited."
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Local movie star vows to be pioneer for all
Golden Dunes Award winner, Art Throb, is spear-heading a new civil-rights movement: NAABEA (National Association for the Advancement of Blue-Eyed Actors). This is an all too familiar issue for Art, who is from a family of blue-eyed actors. "My family has been fighting this for decades." Says Throb. "We've sat by idly long enough watching brown-eyed, green-eyed, even hazel-eyed actors get the parts over us blue-eyes, solely based on eye color." He added. The timing of this civil rights act is interesting due to the release of Art's new buddy/cop film "Dangerous Arms" this weekend. "I want to open the door of the film industry for blue-eyes. I had to suffer in silence for five months and one blockbuster movie before I broke down the wall and won the Best Actor award" Adds Throb. The talented thespian is also pushing for "his people" to be referred to as Blue-Eyed Americans.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Activist Tre Hugger missing at local protest – presumed laid-back & tired.
As the protest chants reigned down upon Reedish Research Laboratories (RRL) this afternoon, a familiar, high-pitched, annoying voice was absent. Point Dunes leading activist, Tree Hugger, who planned this protest, was nowhere to be found. Friend's of Tre say this is extremely unlike his flaky & aloof personality. "That dude usually comes out to support this stuff. Dude must be groovin' on something'. Don't know why else." Says a fellow protester. It is thought that Mr. Hugger is tired and chilin' at home or laid-back & relaxing at the beach.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Sue Perstar premiers sexy music video – record number of adolescent boys' doors reported locked
Local singer/actress, Sue Perstar, just released her widely anticipated steamy music video, "Boobalicious". Her most explicit video since the controversial 2007 release, "Dirty Circus", has been raising a lot of eyebrows, among other things. "Boobalicious" features Sue in fifteen different skimpy outfits and countless sexually indiscriminate actions within the video's five-minute run time. In a related story, just minutes after the video premiered, a record number of adolescent boy's bedroom doors were reported locked throughout Point Dunes. 90% of the rooms were reported locked and 100% of the rooms that contained TV's & internet connections had entry blocked.