Wednesday, May 22, 2013 77 Degrees, Sunny No Traffic
A. Richard Head
Richard or "Dick" as he's known by his friends is a successful sports agent and huge jerk. He frequently steals all the change out of the "take-a-penny" trays at local convenience stores. Instead of using toilets, he chooses to relieve himself on his neighbors lawns and sometimes on his neighbors.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Local jerk awaits trial for avocado urination; claims he can do what he wants
Point Dunes sports agent, A. Richard Face went on trial yesterday for a March incident in which he urinated on his neighbors avocado tree. In Point Dunes, the avocado is a protected fruit and its destruction is a felony due to the following; the nourishing and skin livening effects of avocado facial masks; the popularity of the Avocado Club Sandwich; and because it tastes so freaking good. “Nice, ripe, avocados are hard enough to find without malcontents like him degrading and insulting the few good ones we have. They’re a very sensitive & trusting fruit.” Says resident, Mary Formoney, who seemed intoxicated at the time of her statement. A. Richard Face, or Dick (as known by his friends), claims he didn’t think what he was doing was wrong. “Last year I was told I couldn’t urinate on my neighbor, now I can’t urinate on his tree? Now you’re probably going to tell me that I can’t spit directly in the faces of my employees, or, if I drink a 5th of vodka I can’t drive myself to pick up a prostitute! This is a America, where’s the freedom and the fun?” Face adds. If convicted, Face could spend three years in Point Dunes Prison, which doubles as a 5-star resort & spa along the beautiful eastern coastline. As Face walked into the courtroom, an angry, distraught, and noticeably more rough skinned actress, Sue Perstar, had to be restrained while trying to confront him. “Look at me! I look like I belong in Beverly Hills or some other ghetto! This is Point Dunes! My skin should be immaculate!” Screamed Sue Perstar. Face’s lawyer, Mo Neybags, was not worried about his client's situation. “I’m sleeping with the judge.” Stated Neybags. It is believed that Judge Ann Gree will announce a verdict at the opening ceremonies of the Point Dunes Volleyball Championships in June and then breakout into a dance number with A. Richard Face and the rest of the community, because that’s how it happens in this wild & wacky world of Point Dunes!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Local man breaks mirror; lawyer to try to reduce bad luck to 3-5 years
Point dunes lawyer, Mo Neybags, will see Thursday if his slick defense tactics can reduce his client's bad luck by 2-4 years. Local jerk, A. Richard Head, is facing seven years bad luck for his role in a recent incident at a local Bed Bath & Beyond. In the "wall decor" section, Head shoved a nice man who was carrying a heavy box for an elderly woman into a table that led to the destruction of the mirror. Mo Neybags is pushing for the reduced sentence since Head didn't actually touch the mirror. However, he's facing stiff competition from the prosecution. "He's lucky we're only going for a max of seven years. I was hoping for a bad luck sentence of seven years to life for him. This is his second offense." Said prosecutor D.A. Tourney. Superstitions everywhere are eagerly awaiting the decision as the outcome could affect the future severity of jinxes, rituals, and old wives tales.